What is a year, even this year, without Christmas movies? Absolutely nothing, that’s what. So here we are once again to feast upon the cream of someone’s idea of a crop and share with you our thoughts. Like last year, my sister and mom are providing their opinions too.
The Christmas Contract
A girl and a guy pretend to be a couple.
Truly this is the stuff that lame Christmas movies are made of. Literally three and a half minutes in and we knew where it was going. But despite the checklist of a plot, it’s not that bad. I think there could’ve been a few more conversations to cement more of a real relationship between the leads but this is a promising start to what proves to be a lame movie season.
Sis: I like the idea of characters being stuck in the same place and realizing their assumptions about each other are totally inaccurate. I would’ve liked a bit more friendship building, but it wasn’t too bad.
Mom: As always, no surprises here, except that the female lead was actually bearable. (But why must these chicks always get miffed over nothing?) Nice Christmas decorations, nice family and plenty of hot chocolate. Let the lameness begin!
Santa Who?
Santa gets amnesia. Blah blah. Christmas spirit. Ho ho ho.
Welp, I’m already losing sanity.
Predictability doesn’t have to be a bad thing, except when you become impatient for the story to move along. There’s nothing funny or endearing to latch onto here and I don’t like any of the characters.
And this idea that some fat old guy who breaks into your house is the only one who will give you presents, is a terrible thing to teach kids. No more Santa movies.
Sis: I do believe this is the worst Christmas movie I’ve ever seen. It wasn’t the usual fun silliness. It danced around too many miserable things and rushed to a happy ending none of those foolish people deserved. The elves did tug a smile from me, but overall it left me in a bad mood.
Mom: Even Leslie Nielsen couldn’t save this one.
The Expendables 1, 2, and 3
Big guns, bigger muscles and biggest explosions.
We needed to cleanse the palate after that Santa movie so of course we went in this direction.
I know what you’re thinking: “How are these Christmas movies?” Answer: One of the characters is named Christmas and Santa is painted on a plane; therefore, these are Christmas movies.
The only reason these work is because of all the famous actors in them. The plots are dumb, the action is ridiculous and it’s all very corny. But those men make it work.
The running jokes and callbacks to the actors' previous roles make them that much more enjoyable.
Now we can return to our regular holiday movies.
Sis: I thoroughly enjoyed seeing the bad guys get smashed to pieces. And the loyalty and brotherhood between the good guys is really sweet.
Mom: Great one liners from the geezers. And Antonio Banderas is cute as the dickens.
The Spirit of Christmas
A ghost is haunting an inn.
I actually kinda like this one. It’s different from your average holiday drivel in that the two are solving a mystery instead of having personal drama. The acting isn’t bad, it has some good lines and the inn is pretty.
The ending is what you’d expect and I can accept it, but it maybe could’ve gone a different way and still be satisfactory. Or just sad. I guess I’d rather stick with the expected, even if it beggars belief.
Sis: It has many familiar Christmas movie bits but adds an unusual splash of murder and suspense. I like a good mystery, but this combination was a bit jarring.
Mom: I liked the inn. And the snow.
A Very Country Christmas
A country star heads to a small town to take a break from fame.
Eh, I’ve seen worse. It does get a point for not taking the route toward extra/dumb drama. Acting isn’t too bad but it’s ultimately forgettable.
Sis: I forgot it already.
Mom: Uh, what was this about?
Guess Who’s Coming to Christmas
A rock star tries to buff up his public image.
This is where it’s at. Predicable it may be, but gosh darn it if it isn’t very entertaining. Good lines, good acting, a stable family...it’s a really fun movie. We might just watch it again.
*Update* We did and it’s still pretty good.
Sis: I’ve always preferred these small stories over the big "save the world" ones. And as this empty, bored, lifeless guy rejoined the living, I cheered him on.
Mom: The dad had rules. Go Dad.
Christmas on Holly Lane
Three friends bond over Christmas decorations and personal drama.
Where are the guys blowing things up when you need them? These women spent almost the whole movie bemoaning their sad lives and I didn’t care. It seemed to me they all made a bunch of dumb choices and yet the magic of Christmas is all they needed for things to be okay. Trying to merge harsh reality with cheesy holiday-ness doesn’t go over well with me.
Sis: It was mildly distressing to see how blindly these ladies let unfortunate situations creep up on them. And its ending wasn’t nearly dazzling enough to make any of it worthwhile.
Mom: What they said. But I did like the house.
A Cinderella Christmas
You already know the premise from the title.
It’s okay. I hate it when people are doormats and treated as such. If you like the Cinderella story you’d like this.
Sis: I’ve always had a soft spot for Cinderella movies. Even though I’d never confidently recommend any of the ones I’ve seen. But I like how this one happily flung itself over the edge of believability and plopped into fairytale land with an unusually large bundle of creativity and mystery solving.
Mom: I don’t like mean characters, but you can’t really have Cinderella without them. So OK.
The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
A woman’s uncle brings a handsome stranger home for Christmas.
We actually watched this back in October (sacrilege, I know) and we enjoyed it enough to watch it a second time. The friendship between the uncle and the guy is hilarious. I’m not sold on the woman’s character but I’ve seen worse. Much worse. Definitely one of the best holiday movies we’ve seen this year.
Sis: Everyone needs one of these guys to drop in for Christmas. Every problem is fixed and crisis averted. He brings a smile to everyone. And he makes pancakes.
Mom: “Keep talking.” We waited a long time for The Fonz to be the old guy. But he’s still The Fonz.
Christmas Catch
A cop discovers that the guy she likes is a suspected robber.
WHY? WHY?! It…I…I can’t even laugh at it. That’s how bad it is. The girl is monumentally idiotic and inept. The guy is boring and not even cute. The story is beyond improbable and stupid and horrendous. Whoever thought this was good enough to be shown in public needs to reconsider their life choices.
Sis: It sounded like it could be fun. But it wasn’t.
Mom: Painful.
A Bride for Christmas
A guy bets he can get a girl to marry him after a month; but she’s already broken three engagements.
We’ve seen the exact same plot in another movie, Betting on the Bride, but this one is better. However, I’ll never buy how quickly these Christmas couples fall in love, no matter how likable the guy is. The lead actress is pretty decent though. You could do a deal worse, as we’ve already seen, but it’s a nice flick.
Sis: The familiar plot was super distracting, but I liked that the characters were a bit more fleshed out than usual.
Mom: Well, at the outset you expect total lameness, but occasionally one rises above the pack. I think this was the one. . . due entirely to the not abysmal actors. They were all cute and charming and that’s what sold it. Clearly the writers had to stretch to make someone gay, and that is always tedious to the max.
And that’s it. We made it through another year of holiday cheese. If you watch any of these, comment your thoughts.