Here we are again at the gate to small New England towns with questionable holiday decorations and plaid-wearing hot guys spouting messages about the true meaning of Christmas. But acted badly, written poorly, filled with fake snow and probably all condoned by Hallmark. Truly this is a magical time of year.
Let’s get this ugly sweater on! Yeah!
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I’ll tone it back a bit. I won’t say the same for my special co-hosts though: my mom and sister. So now that the introductions are done, let’s see what atrocities we found this year.
Finding Father Christmas
A girl decides it’s time to uncover the identity of her father. But could this small Vermont town also hold the key to love? Could it?!
Not gonna lie, I was so hoping this would turn into a murder mystery. Imagine: During the caroling scene, a body, frozen in their Dickens-y clothes and with a horrifying scream forever etched onto their face, is found clutching a candle. The murderer? That hot guy who’s way too good to be true. Can she escape this remote town before she becomes the next victim?
This is how you know I’ve seen lots of murder mysteries: I see death as a potential trail in every story. Alright. That’s not true. But I kinda want to see a Hallmark Christmas murder movie now.
Anyway. This one’s passable. It actually had a bit of backstory for the characters and it wasn’t just about love. Which means the love didn’t have enough time to develop and it didn’t ring true at all. But there are two sequels to this thing, so there may yet be hope.
Sis: It’s a little strange sprinkling some mystery onto a Christmas movie. But it kinda worked. I just wish they’d done it better.
Mom: The success of lame Christmas movies hinges on the female lead. Most often she is a stressed and frazzled member of corporate America with some sort of family issues—dead parent, dead husband, unsuitable fiancé or estranged somebody—and personal issues like commitment phobia or bad vibes about love or Christmas. She finds love in the space of a week when she leaves the big city. Obligatory ingredients are poor communication, misunderstandings, massive cookies and snow. This girl hit the jackpot with a mom who died at Christmas and a dad she never knew who also turns up dead. When she leaves Seattle for a small Vermont town, she finds love when she steps into the snow outside the door of the perfect Vermont inn. There are a few endearing characters, but Ms. Lead is not among them.
12 Dates of Christmas
A girl relives Christmas Eve over and over again.
When it’s done well, the Groundhog Day trope can be so much fun. And this one is pretty fun. Her growth does happen pretty quick so it doesn’t come across as completely believable, but I enjoyed it anyway.
Sis: I liked seeing all the different ways the side characters were repeatedly woven in. Those extra bits to keep track of, and fit together, made it surprisingly fun.
Mom: You can take certain liberties when you know you can redo everything the next day. She figured it out and made the best of the opportunity…without leaving the big city.
Colors of Love
While helping her brother save an old hotel, could Taylor find something more? Something like…love? *gasps in astonishment*
I don’t know if we can top this. It’s genuinely not a lame movie and if you want a decent story with not bad characters and some snappy lines, I would actually recommend this without reservation. It’s still ridiculous, but that’s part of its charm.
However, the guy said he collects (rare, I think) books and we did not get to see any of them and I feel gypped. They may have been in his other home, but still. You can’t drop something like that and not satisfy my curiosity. They did mention Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights, and I happen to have reviews for both of those, so check ‘em out.
Sis: Finally someone tells the chick to give the guy’s jacket back and get her own.
Mom: She leaves the big city and finds love in small town Montana. At least it's not Vermont. The jacket line was the best part.
Dear Christmas
A woman who gives out advice on love discovers what love is. Or at least, her version of it.
Some movies are better left unwatched. This is one of them.
Like Finding, this has a guy that’s too good and cuddly to be real, with all the depth and substance of a mini marshmallow.
The woman isn’t even worth talking about and I didn’t like anyone else.
I shouldn’t have sat through all of it, but now you don’t have to.
Sis: I really can’t find anything to say about it. It contained absolutely nothing.
Mom: I think this was an ad for Botox.
Engaging Father Christmas & Marrying Father Christmas
It’s pretty obvious what happens based on the titles. There is this sprinkling of mystery in them which adds a modicum of interest.
These weren’t half bad. I like them better than the first one (Finding Father Christmas, see above).
The girl is quite dense and never seems to ask the right questions. I have seen worse, which is alarming.
The guy hasn’t moved on from his cute muffin persona and therefore doesn’t feel like a real person. He does chop a lot of wood though, so good for him.
Sis: I still wish they would’ve put more effort into the mystery parts instead of trying to squash Christmas into it. I think they wound up bending a few too many things over backward to shove the story along.
Mom: A few good characters. Love the stepmom. But the girl is a masterpiece of poor communication.
Merry & Bright
A lady’s candy cane company is in trouble and when a guy arrives to help her, could she not only save her company but *gasps* find love too?
I don’t know if I’ve seen a movie where two people have a bad first meeting, decide to give each other the benefit of the doubt, and then realize they’re not bad. Is this allowed? It’s usually gooey eyes or laser beams, not mature minds. Don’t get me wrong, the movie’s still dumb, but these people maybe have a bit more gray cells powering their actions.
And I have to say, that guy’s jawline could cut steel.
Sis: I spent most of it distractedly expecting someone’s hurt feelings to make them do something short-sighted. But everyone handled things surprisingly well. I’m not sure if I’m confused, or happy this movie broke the mold.
Mom: ALL the candy canes were WAY too big. That bothers me.
Christmas Getaway
After a rental mixup, a girl ends up celebrating Christmas with a single dad and his kid. Will this reservation turn into a romance?
Ladies and gents, we may just have on our hands a winner. I’m not even joking; this is legitimately a piping hot cup of goodness.
This is what all holiday movies strive for and so often fail to grasp. You’ve got good acting, chemistry between the leads, a plot that doesn’t suck, and there’s this naturalness to how the people interact that is incredibly refreshing.
This gets a stamp of approval.
Sis: I, too, think this one is unusually good.
Mom: Really bad fake snowman, but I actually liked all four leads. So yay.
A Very Merry Daughter of the Bride
Unhappy with her mom’s sudden engagement, Roxanne sets out to sabotage the wedding. Things don’t go quite as planned.
Leave it to Lifetime to throw a curveball into the standard Christmas romcom. I thought, based on the description I read, that it was headed toward an obvious conclusion. But then it goes and does the unexpected and I gotta give it credit for doing that.
I don’t really see why she ends up with the guy at the end because I didn’t see enough for why they would be together, but it’s okay.
Sis: It has a nice set of character types that I haven’t seen countless times before. I enjoyed seeing this different mix of ingredients head down a path I wasn’t familiar with.
Mom: The girl’s business was unrealistic, but I actually liked the characters. Loved the mom’s penguin hat. And extra points for coloring outside the lines.
Road to Christmas
A girl wants to reunite a family on live tv.
I don’t know if it’s due to the way the movie looks or the story itself, but this one is off. The people say their lines but there’s no connection and little…anything to latch on to.
Sis: Before her first scene ended I began to dislike the girl. She’s extremely pushy and inconsiderate, and the happy ending doesn’t make up for it. Apart from her, it wasn’t too bad.
Mom: The guy was good. (He was Jacketman in the Montana movie.) But the girl was horrendous. She is what makes lame Christmas movies lame.
Phew! We made it! It actually wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been, and boy, have we seen some rough stuff. We shall return next year for a delightful cornucopia of cringe.