You ever think a book could’ve been so much better if someone else wrote it? I have, so let’s take a look at my reimagined stories.
I’m sticking with deceased authors because that’s a smaller pool for me to draw from.
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
I know this is a beloved book and that everyone praises Austen’s wit, romance, social commentary and whatnot. I was not impressed by it, so I’ve picked P. G. Wodehouse to revamp it. He is one of my top humorous authors and I would absolutely adore his take on Elizabeth and Darcy. His old-fashioned English humor is just what Pemberley needs.
Everyone knows a rich cove needs a wife, what?
Wodehouse reviews here and here. Pride & Prejudice review.
A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
I get what Dickens wanted to do, but I can’t say I liked his execution of it. However, if John Steinbeck took the reins, it would’ve been amazing. He had that same ability to write long paragraphs of no dialogue, except I actually enjoy his style. I saw Steinbeck in some portions of the book and I think he could’ve strengthened the characters and made it a smoother reading experience.
A Tale of Two Cities review. Steinbeck's East of Eden review.
All of G. A. Henty’s books
A series of historical fiction books written for a younger audience is a great idea. But after reading some of Henty’s books I desperately wish he was a better writer. All his protagonists are carbon copies, the dialogue sounds the same whether it’s Ancient Egypt or Renaissance Italy, and the history is delivered in the boring-est way. It’s a slog for me to finish his books and it’s such a shame because history is one of my favorite topics and I want a series like Henty wrote. If Lloyd C. Douglas had undertaken such a venture, I’d be saying something different. As long as he varied his dialogue to somewhat mimic the time period, it’d be a winner. (If I were picking living authors, David Liss is my top choice.)
Douglas' The Robe review. David Liss' A Conspiracy of Paper review.
The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins
I like a good mystery. I don’t think this is a good mystery. I believe it’s credited as the first detective mystery and maybe that’s why it’s so dull: they hadn’t cracked the code for the whodunnit. It’s been several years since I read it but I remember being unimpressed by the characters and the big reveal. Let’s hand it over to Dorothy L. Sayers and see if she can’t pump some life into it. I should probably pick Agatha Christie to redo a mystery, but I’ve only read one of her books and it upset me in the wrong way.
Sayers' The Nine Tailors review. Christie's The Murder of Roger Ackroyd review.
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce
I deserve a medal for sitting through this travesty of a book. “Painful” doesn’t begin to describe my experience.
I think it was about a guy growing up in Ireland around the turn of the century, but written in such a way that turns your soul into a crisp husk. I would love to strip all traces of Joyce out of it and give that crust of a story to literally any other classical author. Alright, I can think of a few authors who could make it just as bad, but I’d like to see them try ‘cause that would impress me.
My real answer is Geoffrey Chaucer. This book is drier than hardtack and ye olde couplets should enliven it nicely.
The Plague by Albert Camus
Depression. That’s what this book does well. I do like the progression of the people’s mindset, but the rest is a drag. So picture an idyllic coastal town struck by a plague…of vampires. That’s right, we’re bringing in Bram Stoker and a legion of the undead. I actually really liked Dracula and while Stoker might be a touch too melodramatic for Camus’s taste, I’d still love to see his interpretation of a philosophical survival story. If he wanted to add vampires, I would not complain.
Camus's The Plague review.
The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky
This one’s tricky because when Dostoevsky stuck to the plot and moved events forward, it’s an enjoyable book. But that didn’t happen often enough, so I choose Charlotte Brontë to revitalize it. She’d do a good job at losing the long-windedness and creating gloomy settings all while making the story the interesting thing it should’ve been. Her understated humor would work well here and she could make crying men a slightly less awkward sight.
The Brothers Karamazov review. Brontë's Jane Eyre review.
The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis
I like the land of Narnia. But as a child I felt betrayed when the story left the magical setting and became this disappointing mess. The Magician’s Nephew was unnecessary and weird in a bad way, but The Last Battle killed a part of me. I took the story at face value and it punched me. Repeatedly. All the wonder and adventure of this world was stripped and replaced with stupid/annoying characters and exquisitely poor storytelling. The pain I endured through the book and after it ended is unparalleled.
It is possible to ignore those two books but even the middle ones aren’t that great.
Who could fix this? I wanna pick Mark Twain, but I don’t remember his writing style well enough to know if it’d fit. L. M. Montgomery would work since she wrote stuff that required a fantastical imagination and her tone is light.
One thing’s for sure though: fifteen years on and I’m still angry about that gorilla and donkey.
Montgomery's Anne of Avonlea review.
Regrettably, all these authors are dead. So. Yeah. What classic do you wish could be rewritten by someone else?